Fucking Do It Then
Donald Trump threatened to bomb Oman.
And apparently I’m supposed to be upset about this.
I’m not.
Fucking do it then.
Before everyone starts screaming that I’ve become some kind of bloodthirsty lunatic, allow me to explain exactly how Oman managed to land itself on my extraordinarily specific geopolitical shit list.
First, there’s Iran.
While the United States and Iran are already staring each other down over the Strait of Hormuz, Oman and Iran have been conducting their own negotiations over maritime arrangements in the strait.
That’s not a conspiracy theory. That’s what’s happening.
Iran and Oman have reportedly been discussing how navigation through one of the most strategically important waterways on Earth should work, while Washington is simultaneously trying to force its own resolution with Tehran.
Trump’s response?
“If Oman gets in the way, we’ll bomb the shit out of them.”
Now normally this is where I’m supposed to clutch my pearls.
Oh my God. The president can’t say that.
Where is the diplomacy?
Where is the decorum?
Where is the restraint?
I don’t know.
Probably wherever Iran put unrestricted navigation through the Strait of Hormuz.
Because at some point, countries have to understand that inserting themselves into the middle of an active geopolitical confrontation comes with consequences. You don’t get to play intermediary, cut your own arrangements with Tehran over a waterway critical to the global economy, and then act shocked when Washington notices.
And before somebody deliberately misunderstands me: I’m not arguing that civilians deserve to die because their government pissed me off.
I’m saying I understand the message Trump is sending.
Don’t get in the fucking way.
But there’s another reason Oman has absolutely no goodwill left in my personal ledger.
Avicii died there.
Yes.
I’m bringing Avicii into American foreign policy.
Tim Bergling—Avicii—was found dead in Muscat, Oman, in 2018 at 28 years old.
Do I believe Oman killed Avicii?
No.
Do I have evidence Oman was responsible for his death?
Also no.
Am I nevertheless capable of maintaining a completely irrational, emotionally motivated grudge against an entire geographical location because one of the greatest EDM artists who ever lived died there?
Absolutely.
I contain multitudes.
So now Oman is negotiating with Iran while the Strait of Hormuz is sitting at the center of an international crisis, Trump is threatening to bomb them if they interfere, and I’m supposed to be the adult in the room explaining why everyone needs to calm down?
Wrong woman.
I have spent eight years knowing Avicii’s last days were in Oman.
You’ve come to the wrong fucking house for restraint.
So fine.
Negotiate with Iran.
Test Trump.
See how that goes.
But if this ridiculous timeline actually reaches the point where somebody is painting lettering onto a bomb, I have only one request:
AVICII FOREVER.
And underneath it, in smaller letters:
PLAY LEVELS.