Tucker Carlson is what happens when penis dribble gains consciousness, parts its hair, buys a microphone, and starts hallucinating amendments to the fucking Constitution.
His latest stroke of constitutional genius? Americans who serve in the Israeli or Ukrainian military should be stripped of their U.S. citizenship.
Excuse me?
Who the fuck appointed this human cum stain Commissioner of American Citizenship?
Because Tucker Carlson sure as shit doesn’t get to decide who qualifies as an American.
And, inconveniently for Tucker, neither does whatever version of the Constitution apparently exists inside his head.
American citizenship is not a loyalty punch card that some cable-news expatriate gets to confiscate when he decides you’ve made the wrong geopolitical choices. The government’s power to involuntarily strip a U.S. citizen of citizenship is extraordinarily limited. The Supreme Court has made clear that citizenship cannot simply be revoked as punishment because the government—or Tucker fucking Carlson—doesn’t approve of someone’s conduct.
And serving in a foreign military does not automatically terminate U.S. citizenship. Under U.S. law, loss of nationality generally turns on whether a potentially expatriating act was performed voluntarily and with the intention of relinquishing U.S. nationality.
That little word—intention—matters.
So Tucker isn’t merely arguing that Americans shouldn’t serve in foreign militaries. Fine. Argue that. Debate dual loyalties, foreign enlistment, national allegiance, or whether Americans should be fighting under anybody’s flag but ours. Those are legitimate questions.
But “strip them of their citizenship” is something else entirely.
Citizenship is not a fucking participation trophy that gets repossessed because Tucker Carlson disapproves of how you exercised it.
That distinction matters because the Constitution exists specifically to prevent powerful people from deciding that certain Americans have become insufficiently American.
Today it’s someone who served in the Israeli military.
Tomorrow it’s someone who served in the Ukrainian military.
Then maybe it’s somebody who protested the wrong war, donated to the wrong cause, criticized the wrong president, or pissed off whichever asshole happens to be holding the microphone.
That’s precisely why citizenship cannot depend on the political whims of Tucker Carlson—or anyone else.
So sit the fuck down, Tucker.
You are not the Secretary of State. You are not the Supreme Court. You are not the constitutional gatekeeper of American citizenship.
You’re a man with a microphone and a face that perpetually looks like someone just explained WiFi to a Labrador.
And fortunately for the rest of us, that still isn’t a branch of government.